Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Really Too Perfect For Words

Before I begin the post proper, I’d like to offer up a small token of thanks to whatever higher power guides Google News. The subject of today’s post is the kind of thing this author personally delights in finding, one of those sparkling little journalistic gems that make one stop and reflect, generally sparking deep thoughts along the lines of “WTF.”

Yesterday a man on a flight to La Guardia Airport to was discovered to have smuggled a monkey onto the plane under his hat. He had originally flown from Lima, Peru, then waited for several hours in the Fort Lauderdale Airport for his connecting flight to New York. He obviously had no difficulties in neither customs nor security, making the Fort Lauderdale Airport TSA the most awe-inspiring since Dave Barry’s tale of Miami workers in Big Trouble.

The would-be children’s movie was foiled when other passengers on the flight noticed the small animal emerging from under the man’s hat and ponytail. “At first we thought it was just a really bad toupee,” one passenger (1) stated. “Then it began to wave at us, and by the time it had peed on the back of the seat we knew it was a monkey.”

Police were waiting when the plane pulled in. Officials have stated that the fist-sized primate, actually a marmoset, is very young and appears to be in good health. (2) The passenger was neither arrested nor given a citation by the Port Authority police, who handled the event.

The man was instead given a receipt for his monkey and the advice to buy a larger, more yellow hat next time.

Original story here:
(1.) Completely fictional but in the author’s mind utterly plausible
(2.) This serious statement was obtained when, after screaming that the airport was infested with “damn, dirty apes” for approximately seventeen minutes, officials finally realized that no, it was no longer all that funny.

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